nakakapagod magisip ng title para sa blogpost na to…

nakakapagod basahin yung title….

nakakapagod din magtype ng ganyan kahabang title para sa post na to..

gusto kong magsulat ng magsulat, pero nakakapagod din naman magisip ng isusulat..

nakakapagod kasing magisip..

nakakapagod isiping may mahal ka, pero may mahal namang iba…

nakakapagod na yung mga ganung senaryo, pero pramis nangyayari yun…

(yung tipong, kung poster sa pelikula ang sinasabi ko, yung bidang lalake, nasa gitna, yakap yung mahal nya, tas sa likod nya nakayakap naman yung nagmamahal sa kanya: ako yun)

nakakapagod yung binibigay mo talaga lahat ng kaya mong ibigay,

(minsan kahit, hindi mo na kaya, pero dahil mahal mo, nagkakameron e.)

ganun ang ibig kong sabihin sa nakakapagod…

pero hindi porke nakakapagod, ayaw ko nang gawin..

kaya titigilan ko muna ang nakakapagod na salitang yan…

minsan, tinatago lang ng salitang pagod yung sakit na nararamdaman natin.

hindi naman kasi sa lahat ng oras, kahit gaano tayo kalakas, kaya natin di ba..

ganun din naman ako.

minsan, hindi lang pala minsan..

lagi pala…

kasi laging andun yung taong mahal nung isang taong mahal mo.

e, martir na at tanga, kung martir at tanga man..

pag mahal mo ang isang tao ganun talaga..

walang basagan ng trip..

wala lang kasi akong makausap tungkol dito kaya,

eto, napagdiskitahan kita, wordpress.

pasensya ka na ha…

buti ka pa,

lagi kang anjan, at alam kong ako lang ang pwedeng mag may-ari sayo..

basta di ko lang kalilimutan ang password.

basta kinailangan kita, ready ka lagi.

minsan nga nakakalimutan na kitang i-open.

tulad nyan, kelan ba yung huli kong post.

sulit naman din at nagko komento yung pinakapaborito kong titser  in the whole wide world! (www.motsmots.blogspot.com)

at saka, kahit anong ibato ko sa yo, tinatanggap mo, kahit pa laging sama ng loob ang meron ako..

at higit sa lahat, hindi tulad ko, hindi ka napapagod na pakinggan ako..

at palagay ko naman naiintindihan mo ako..

kahit hindi ko sabihin lahat…

kahit hindi ko i-tayp lahat..

kahit na napapagod na rin ako…

ang hirap mong sabayan

alam kong hindi naman ako sintunado..

at para sa akin, nasa tono ka rin naman.

ikaw ung tipo ng tugtog na palaging on repeat mode sa tenga ko.

pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi talaga kita masabayan.

kung bakit kahit paano kitang habulin sa bawat titik at kudlit ng tugtog mo, 

palagi akong nahuhuli sa tyempo..

kung bakit pag pinakikinggan kitang mag isa ka lang,

kayang kaya kong mawala sa himig mo..

pwedeng pwede akong lumutang sa kawalan na kahit hindi kita kasama,

alam kong andyan ka lang sa tenga ko..

hindi bilang tutuli ha…

kundi bilang musika na nagpapatakbo sa kaluluwa ko..

sa nilayo layo ng takbo ko sa tuwing maririnig kita…

pag sinubukan na kitang sabayan,

sabayan ng kanta…maganda naman ang boses ko…

kung bakit, hindi magtugma,

kung bakit panay sintunado ang tunog.

ako ba yun o ikaw ang sintunado?

pinipilit ko na baka kaya second voice dapat ang atake ko.

baka dapat umaalto ako..

at sa dulo dapat me pitik ng daliri na parang the blues…

ginawa ko na ang lahat..

pati yung tono mo ginaya ko..

pero mas okay lang pala na pakinggan kita..

mas okay lang na magpakaligaw ako sa tunog mo..

lumutang palayo kasama lang ang boses mo.

magpakalayo layo ng pinakikinggan kang mag-isa..

nang hindi sumasabay sa yo….

completely incomplete

this is going to be bitter, i’m sorry. i couldn’t help being like this, and it doesn’t help even if, i am actually supposed to be happy. 

being with a person you love is something that i think i am very responsive at. i can say i am a very active person in terms of having a relationship. i’m very good at being affectionate and all the other sweet nothings that go with it. 

there is something, though, that irks me, and pesters me. and that is, whatever it is that i am good at in terms of relationships, brings me to a place where i am also the worst. two opposites that are ironically always clamped together.

there are things we desire and eventually have, things or people that we have or that we hold. but in spite of that, we actually have nothing. i can hear myself saying to myself, ” none of this is yours.”

i can probably be his source of happiness. but that’s not as ethereal as the happiness that he gets elsewhere.

i can probably be his reason for laughter. but that is just as good as it lasts.

i can give him all my might. i can shatter my life for him. i can change my principles and forget all else.

but being with him is going to be just the same as being without him.

i will be completely incomplete.

because what good it is that a part of something completes another thing, but that other thing could not complete that something.

we may be like 2 railroad tracks running along, side by side.

we may be going to the same direction, but we will never ever meet.

it may always feel enough when i’m with him, but i will always be completely incomplete.

not that much

you try and give everything you have for one person, trying to protect him from hurt and pain. trying to be the person he needs..and all this person needs to do is tell you the truth, and you feel worthless in the end…

it shouldn’t be that painful. it’s actually beneficial for me, to know where i stand in his life.  but then, at the same time, it hurts me with no end, because i get to know where i stand in his life. yes maybe, he loves me, but he doesn’t love me that much. not just that much. not that much.

the unfair thing is, here I am, a person who would do everything and never hurt him, while there is another person who hurts him and who he still keeps at a certain high place in his heart and his life.

and that’s something that i can’t do much….not that much.

Gyrating

my mind is working aimlessly,

tiring myself solely of visions in any 4-walled room.

a platform, and the role players, that is you and I.

I’m clammed up inside a whimsical spell,

An intoxicating sea of lush, sweaty flesh.

Drawn towards the smell of your movements,

The thump of your thrusts,

I have nothing but a soul left crazy because of not having what it pleads.

I dream every night of a lone axis that I seek.

It’s a point where I would just go on further,

Circling it, melting onto it,

Endlessly, rhythmically gyrating until I lose reason.

 

cold night

freezing cold weather outside, inside it’s nothing better.

these days, it’s that damp cold feeling that always encrusts many of us, me in particular.

there are things which still can not be changed.

things that can not be controlled.

there are things that you can not bear, but will always happen upon you.

even if you thought you did something big, you will still be a dot in this universe.

sometimes taking one day at a time doesn’t sound so realistic.

because one day is always a whole eternity for some, for me in particular.

and it sucks. that way.

perpektong imperpekto

maaaring kung sa ibang pagkakataon,

sa ibang pangungusap,

masarap ang magiging pakahulugan ko sa salitang pigil.

pagpipigil, marahil, ng gigil?

ng kagustuhan, ng isang lalaki, para ilugso ang pagkababae ng katipan

at kagustuhan, ng isang babae, para isuko naman ito?

pagpipigil para yakapin o pupugin ng halik ang isang tao

na matagal nang nawalay sa yo?

para sa akin, pigil-pigil ko ang puso ko,

na parang pagkapit ng preno ng dyip, nakasalalay dito ang buhay

ng mga nakasakay

na parang pagkagat ng glue sa papel,

o ng rugby sa swelas ng sapatos na luma.

pigil kong masaktan, maramdaman na may kulang ,

o na may hindi pwede para sa akin..

minsan tagumpay kong nagagawa yun.

pero tulad ngayung madaling araw…

pigil ko ang sarili ko para isiping,

ang pag-gibik ko,

ang pag hingi ko ng saklolo ay isang bagay na

pigil pigil din yang ipagkaloob sa akin.

dahil sa kanya kailangan kong maging perpekto..

maging perpektong imperpekto……

Desire

right now

if there is a rhythm

inside my head

that reverberates

that resonates

there is nothing more

than words that say

how much i so want

to have something

someone

without any repercussions

seen or unseen

to be able to hold something

someone

without being scared

without being ashamed

to be able to look around

and see

and not see

to be able to see

that there is only me

and not to see

things that are not there

but i know that are

that has been

that will always be

to be able to tell to myself

that i can wait

i can wait for anything

and that i will accept

and to accept that while i wait

maybe

the only thing that i will have from now

until the end of this waiting game

is indeed what i only have

what i will always be entitled to have

which is now

but never tomorrow.

i would like so much

to say

that we are halves

and that we make a whole of each other

but sometimes

it’s better when i just close

my eyes, my mind

all the time

with all the time that you can

with all the time that we can.

love agony

im a stubborn lover.

i guess that says a lot already about me.

i love at the most inconvenient times, with the most complicated situations.

but love, like, reality, is something that i am not able to help.

i love just because i love.

“hal” was right in saying, we don’t need any reason to love.

we just feel it.

but apart from love, i won’t be able to help feeling the pain.

it’s true what they say, love opens up our heart to a lot of pleasant things.

but it also opens up a pathway for pain to enter our hearts.

i love that you love me.

but what i don’t like is that i don’t like the feeling i have when we have to go our own ways.

though temporarily, i hate the feeling that i am already missing you after a few minutes of being apart from each other.

i hate the fact that, im already used to being just beside you.

i hate the fact that i want you to be here.

that i want to always be able to embrace and kiss you.

i hate these facts, and i can’t help it.

i just.love you.

Our Morning Mc-DO’s

While we can’t get everything…

We can’t have every single good thing we want in this life…

We can always look at them differently and have them just the way they are intended for us.

My mornings with you, with or without the metro,

With and mostly without sleep,

And always short of time…

Everything is just absolutely perfect!!!